By smileywoman
On Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:25 PM
I’m sure I’m not the only DDN parent with trouble teenage behavior.
My son who is 18 will be living with me full-time when he’s released from the hospital today (suicide attempt at his father’s house last week…)
It’s important to have structure and rules. We all need that, adults and teens alike. Anyway, I’m working on a written “contract” with my son and it’s daunting.
It is very hard to find free help on-line (you can pay $16-$19 to a service for their contract templates).
I don’t know if others have contracts with their kids, but I thought it would be helpful to have a thread where we can address this.
Of course, the expectations/requirements vary based on age.
What is a Home Rules Contract?
A written document outlining a Parents’ expectations of their teens (and preteens). It includes: rules, consequences and privileges.
NOTE: Creating a contract is a sensitive issue, and in order to get your kid to “buy into it” they need to speak about their feelings and be heard. A teen who is heard and allowed to participate in the contract process, will be more willing to comply with the rules set down in the contract.
Unresolved conflicts will not be rectified using a contract, and often a family therapist should be sought as an objective party to assist with underlying emotions that may come into play with the success of such a contract.
All parents and parental figures who are involved in raising the kid(s) should participate (guardians, step-parents etc.)
Each member of the family should fill out their own contract and review it with the teen (or pre-teen) separate from the family meeting to discuss a final contract.
The teen (pre-teen) themselves should be given a blank contract to list what their own rules, punishments, and rewards should be (for family discussion when drawing up the final contract).
A contract should be reviewed regularly (we review ours each Sunday).
Other Helpful Ideas:
-A family calendar should also be kept to leave messages to communicate with each other.
-A family chores list should also be kept listing all chores for daily/weekly sign-up.
More information provided by one of the web sites where I’ve done my research:
Examples of Items that Might be Included in a Home Rules Contract
A Sample Contract with three items is included below. The items below are only suggestions to get you started. Parents must take their own individual circumstances and priorities into account when setting up the individual items in a Home Rules Contract. Some items that might be considered priorities, other than those listed below, might include profanity or abusive language towards other family members, homework issues for students with poor grades, and violent behavior towards family members, including pushing, shoving, and slapping.
A list of possible priorities to include in a Home Rules Contract:
1. Curfew
2. Chores
3. School behavior and grades
4. Smoking
5. Telephone use
6. Computer use
7. Use of the car
8. Alcohol/drug use
9. Expression of anger or violence, including profanity
10. Conflict resolution (helpful when two siblings are at each other’s throats)
11. Running away
12. Medication issues and compliance (for those who take regular medicines, such as Ritalin)
13. Attendance at therapy sessionsNOTE: For the safety of everybody involved, police should be called for ALL violent episodes that occur on the part of the teen with the perceived intent of injuring a family member or destroying property that belongs to other family members. Violence that has no consequences will continue to escalate and could eventually result in a serious incident, so this type of behavior needs to be halted immediately by allowing the teen to experience serious consequences for the violent behavior (police, charges and possible court date). It sounds harsh to call the police on your own child, but it is better to have the teen learn from you that violence will never be tolerated, and that this behavior is absolutely forbidden, than for your teen to wind up in jail down the road because he never had any consequences for violence at home. An old saying states that if a parent does not properly discipline a child, eventually society will do the disciplining.
SAMPLE CONTRACT
1. Teen will not use any alcohol or drugs.
* Consequence: Teen will be grounded for one week. Grounding consists of: staying home, no friends as guests, no phone calls, etc. etc.) Punishment will increase one week for each subsequent offense (i.e., if teen is caught using substances a second time, punishment will be for two weeks, etc.)
Note: It is VERY important to clearly state what being grounded consists of so that there are no avenues for manipulation by the teen to get out of the punishment).
* Privilege: Teen will be allowed to continue going out with friends and may have continued use of the car.
2. Teen is expected to return home immediately after school except if prior arrangements are made with parents. Teen will inform parents where he/she is going and will be home by 8:00 p.m. on school nights and 11:00 p.m. on nonschool nights.
* Consequence: Teen will be expected to come home twice as early as he was late for one week. (e.g., if 30 minutes late, then curfew will be one hour earlier for the next week).
* Privilege: Teen will maintain current curfew and gain trust (some parents may want to allow their teen to work his/her way up to a later curfew by proving himself or herself, but parents should never set a curfew later than the legal curfew in their area).
3. Teen will perform all assigned chores in a satisfactory manner, according to the standards set by parents.
(It is helpful to provide a written list of daily chores so there is no misunderstanding – a dry-erase marker board hung in the kitchen or other family area works great for this purpose).
* Consequence: Teen will not be allowed any privileges until required chores are completed, including TV, radio, computer, having friends visit or going out with friends.
* Privilege: Teen will maintain access to all privileges of the house, including watching TV, using the computer, having friends visit, and going out with friends.
A blank contract is available at: www.teenswithproblems.com . . .
The web site is: teenswithproblems.com
Any input from DDN parents is greatly appreciated.
Edit: I just found a great site with examples/forms to help in many areas of life. In particular I LOVE the help with creating a Family Mission Statement, A Family Code of Conduct, and Talking about Family Values.
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While I was working to develop our Home Rules Contract so Evan knows what the expectations (consequences and privileges) are to give him structure, I also created a Family Mission Statement and Code of Conduct which we all signed.
Family Mission Statement & Code of Conduct
The mission of our family is to create a nurturing, safe environment where we:
-Honor individual differences
-Invest in our future spiritually, emotionally, physically, professionally, and financially
-Value and nurture family and pets by spending time together
-Practice daily caring and open communications that show respect and kindness to each other
-Wisely use our time, talents and resources to make a positive difference in our private and public lives
-Do our best at all that we do, and ask for help when we aren’t sure how to do something.FAMILY CODE OF CONDUCT:
•We honor and love one another.
•We treat others as we would like to be treated.
•We tell the truth.
•We obey our parents, doing what we are asked without arguing.
•We do not hurt others with unkind words or deeds.
•We listen to others, taking their thoughts and ideas seriously.
•We are polite. We say “please,” “thank you” and “excuse me.” We take turns and share.
•We do not create work for others (Use it? Put it away. Make a mess? Clean it up).
•We keep ourselves neat and clean.
•We take good care of our possessions.
•We are diligent. We do our best & complete our work properly without complaint.
•When we do not know what to do, we ask.
•We arrive on time.
•We keep our word.
•We finish what we start.
•When we go out, we behave as we are expected to behave at home.
•When necessary, we accept discipline and instruction.Daily Reminders
*Communicate Daily – to keep channels open, provide guidance/caring required, provide the first stop when advice and comfort are needed. Teens are more comfortable with parents actively involved. Daily conversation helps comfort in confiding. Confiding in someone takes practice and trust which can only be built by meaningful relationships facilitated by good communication.
*Learn the world teens live in to foster trust, and help with behavior.
*Parents’ daily guidance and understanding set the tone for the life decisions a teen makes.
*Talk daily about teens likes and dislikes (i.e. integral to building an open and meaningful relationship).
*Being strict (having rules and restrictions is not bad for teens). New found freedoms/desires, can cause self-harm if responsible restraint is not upheld.
*Teen will get greater freedom, but with greater freedom, one must develop greater responsibility and accountability. Freedom without responsibility is useless.
*Help teen to learn to plan ahead. Parent will NOT plant for you; just help you to make good decisions.
Side Notes:
The premise behind creating a Family Mission Statement and Code of Conduct is to follow the sound example of successful companies which state their core values, mission statements and codes of conduct to help employees understand not only the nature of their goals, but also the means to obtain them. In the same way, your family can develop a written set of values, mission statement and code of conduct.
These tools can:
-Guide the development of family and individual character.
-Form a foundation for ongoing ethics discussions and instruction.
-Establish your family identity.
-Help teen understand you are working together to achieve the same goals.
The primary purpose of our initial Home Rules Contract is to establish clear expectations and consequences, as well as privileges for a structured environment in the areas of mental health, physical health, showing responsibility etc.
Daily conversation is key, which will also include exercises to encourage philosophical discussion where we can explore our feelings about our beliefs, values, ethics, and character building.
We are on our way in creating an solid, structured environment to work with as a family.
