5 Steps to Hassle Free Homework

By

Ray Erickson, LCSW

Parent: “Do you have any homework tonight?”
Teen:   “No, I did it at school today.”
Parent: “What do you mean you did it at school?”
Teen:   “I did it at school. What’s the big deal?”

Now I don’t like homework any more than teenagers do, but what is wrong with this picture?
Yes, there may be days when your teen comes home from school with no homework, but
since No Child Left Behind (NCLB) was enacted, teachers have become Frankensteins;
demanding an ever increasing amount of work to be done at home. There is no evidence
that homework increases a student’s ability to perform on those federally mandated tests
that everyone is so worried about. In addition, there is no evidence that homework increases
the quality of education your son or daughter is getting. Don’t be lulled into thinking that
just because your teen is strapped down every night with homework they are being
educated.

In today’s school environment, homework is an effort by teachers to maintain job security. I
don’t blame them. Federal funds appropriated to schools are at risk and their jobs are on
the line! If enough students consistently perform poorly on these standardized tests, then
the school administration thinks the teacher is not doing their job and fires them. This is
insanity! Even the best teachers are at risk of losing their jobs, so they do the only thing
they know to do: make the students work overtime in pursuit of their education. (Actually
since NCLB the pursuit of education has been replaced with the pursuit of a good test
score.)

Homework has been a frontline battleground in families since I was in junior high school.
And this was back when we needed to rub two sticks together to get the horse and buggy
started. Homework was no fun then and it is no fun now. The problem now is that most
students have 2-4 hours of homework every night!!! This is not an exaggeration. If they
were adults and were asked to work an extra 2-4 hours every night they would be asking for
overtime pay, seeking to join a union or they would find another job.

Even though much of the homework assigned by teachers is actually busy work, homework
has been a feature of American education for many generations and it is here to stay, at
least until parents and educators say, “Enough is enough!” and tell the Federal
Government to stop means testing your children’s right to an education. That said; let’s talk
about how you can help yourself and your teen get through the nightly ritual of homework.

Since I am talking about teenagers and not elementary school aged kids, it is vitally
important that your teen assumes responsibility for the homework assigned by their
teachers. Not you! It is not your homework; you have already gone to school and wasted
many hours yourself doing ridiculous assignments for well meaning teachers. It is their turn
now. Homework is a lesson in accountability more than it is a lesson in math. So how can
you hold them accountable and keep your relationship strong? Not to mention your sanity.

The key word here is “relationship.” So if and when homework does get in the way of your
relationship with your teen, then there is another problem beneath the surface.  Even
though it may look like homework to you, it is not. Your teen may even point out to you that
the problem is not the homework, it’s you!! Don’t be dismayed it’s not really you, it’s them.
This is one way teenagers avoid being accountable, by blaming you. Don’t worry about it
and most importantly do not engage in this kind of banter. It is highly destructive and only
serves to distract you from what is really important; your relationship with your teen.

Here are 5 steps to hassle free homework.

1.        Your teen is responsible for his/her homework

That’s right. I’ve mentioned this earlier and it deserves to be mentioned again. This means
they are responsible for making sure they have all the assignments that are due. They are
responsible for completing the assignments and turning them in on time. It is not your job
to remind them to do their homework and it is REALLY not your job to DO the homework!
(Yes some parents have been known to do assignments for their children.) So, if your teen
forgets an assignment or doesn’t do an assignment, it is on their shoulders, not yours. They
suffer the consequence, not you. Eventually, they will eventually learn the value a job well
done. If your teen asks you to read over their essay or check their math, by all means do
so, but do so only with the mind set that you are proof reading, not editing or rewriting.
Help them all you can, but know your boundaries.

2.        Distraction free area to work

For your son or daughter to do the best possible work on these assignments there needs to
be NO DISTRACTIONS; no television, no computer games, no telephone. Music is an
exception because often teens work better with music in the background. This is not to be
confused with music videos. In today’s world a computer is almost mandatory for students,
but this valuable tool can also be a distraction. If the homework does not involve internet
research then disconnect it from the web. There needs to be privacy without interruptions,
not even you! The lone exception is if you are bringing them something to drink or a snack.
(See tip #4).

3.        Grandmother’s Rule

What I mean by Grandmother’s rule is this: Work BEFORE Play. Teenagers would much
rather play before they work (wouldn’t we all?) but part of being an adolescent is learning
self-discipline and Grandmother’s Rule is there to help them develop this skill. “But my
favorite programs on!” Record it! You have the technology. It’s fine if they want to watch
their favorite television show, but AFTER the homework is done. This also means that you
may need to run interference for them, like if a friend calls. Since you cannot allow any
distractions, make sure you tell the friend that they are busy doing homework and will call
as soon as they are finished.

4.        Food First

I say this because I know that when I am hungry, my brain does not function. This is true
for your teen as well. If the expectation in your family is that they complete their homework
as soon as they get home from school, then it is important that they get something
substantial to eat. If you are not going to be there, make sure there are healthy, satisfying
snack foods for them to eat when they get home. The same thing applies to homework
being done in the evening. If your teen says they are hungry, believe them, even if they ate
only an hour ago. Their bodies and their brains need to be fed good, nutritional and healthy
foods, not junk food and especially not fast food.

5.        Have Fun When It’s Done

Celebrate. Yes! Make a BIG deal about your teen’s accomplishment. Homework is a dirty
job and they have risen to the occasion. Celebrate, acknowledge and praise the effort and
be thankful for having such a responsible young adult in your life. Now they can watch their
favorite program, call their friends or play computer games.

The earlier you begin this program the better. I’m thinking 3rd grade. It may be too late for
that now, but it will not take your teen long to adjust to the NEW homework routine. They
want to please you and if you are consistent with these 5 simple steps your home will soon
be homework hassle free!  If your teen continues having problems remembering homework,
getting the homework they remember completed and getting the completed homework
back to the teacher without the dog eating it, then there may be much more going on
besides homework.

Being the alert parent that you are, you may already know this and are taking preemptive
steps to understand what the underlying problem may be. The first thing you do is to STOP
FOCUSING ON HOMEWORK and the second thing you do is REASSURE YOUR TEEN
that you love them and they are not in trouble. Think relationship when you are addressing
the issue of homework with your teen. Say something to them like this:

“I don’t want to get into your business, but it seems to me that you have been having a lot of
trouble with your homework lately. This tells me something is wrong.”

Your teen may dismiss this observation, but stick with it and trust your gut. Instead of
insisting that something must be wrong, simply look at them and wait…… Make sure you
have your “I’m concerned” look on your face and your body language tells them you are not
angry or anxious. Wait them out and if they try to leave, ask them to wait a moment and sit
with you. Give them time for your concern to hit home. Most teens will respond to this
approach in a positive way and if you are willing to listen without judging or commenting
then they may tell you what is going on and the door will be open to resolving the problem
that underlies their troubles with homework. They may say nothing, but afterwards they will
feel better about themselves and about you.

Most teenagers will not approach the teacher if it means revealing a deficit to them. If the
problem is physical, then go to your doctor. If the problem is not physical then explore how
your teen feels about school, homework, peers and teachers if you don’t know already.
Even if you do know how your teen feels about school, ask them again, things may have
changed.  Don’t forget to ask them how they feel about themselves. A poor self concept
can underlie many adolescent difficulties.

Below are some of the physical reasons that your son or daughter may be missing, losing,
forgetting or refusing to do assignments.

•        Difficulty with seeing – Get eyes examined
•        Difficulty hearing – Get hearing exam
•        Menstrual problems – See OBGYN physician
•        Sleep deprivation  – Get more sleep
•        Alcohol or drug abuse – Seek treatment immediately
•        Other physical problems affecting attention, focus and mood such as diabetes.

There may also be conditions that are mental, emotional or social getting in your teenager’s
way of academic success. Some of these may be:

•        ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
•        Mood Disorder – Anxiety, Depression or Bipolar Disorder
•        Too many friends
•        Not enough friends
•        Low Self-Esteem
•        Poor Self-Image

Remember there is a lot going on in your teen’s mind and their body. Be observant as well
as supportive of their efforts to manage their lives as effectively as possible. If you suspect
there may be a psychiatric disorder occurring, such as a mood disorder or ADD then it is
important to have your teen evaluated by a competent mental health professional. This
does not need to be a psychiatrist. Any well trained social worker, MFC or psychologist can
evaluate these disorders. If medication is indicated, then a psychiatrist trained in the
treatment of adolescents is necessary in most cases. As much as you may like your
physician, they may not be the best person to prescribe medicine. Explore every possible
option before opting for medication.

Most of all, keep your faith in your teen. Do not lose hope and do not think they are
deficient in any way, shape, or means. Believe in your teen and they will believe in
themselves.

No matter what the case is, relationship is ALWAYS more important that homework and I
strongly recommend that if you are going to error, then error on the side of relationship. The
homework will work itself out……eventually.

Copyright 2008, Ray Erickson, LCSW

http://www.rayerickson.com/Homework.html